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“Watch Your Language, Young Lady!” Part I

Friday, March 5th, 2010
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After four weeks of writing a column, I have been called a woman with “many experiences,” a man-hating feminist (or bad judge of character) and a writer with crude language trying to shock readers. And perhaps I am guilty of all of the charges, but it is still worthwhile to dig deep and explore the appropriateness of each of these titles.

I have had many experiences, some good, some bad, and the pleasure to meet some delightful men who still hold a dear place in my heart. Through the ups and downs, I longed to find the holy grail of “love” with no avail. Like the readers have suggested, perhaps I need to surround myself with better men, men who understand and appreciate me as a person rather than a sexual object. Likewise, perhaps I need to admire men for their humanity and individuality rather than admiring them as imperfectly preserved Greek sculptures. Therefore, as a woman with “many experiences” who has yet to experience love, I applaud those who have found a sense of belonging and wish you the best of luck with the continuous effort in maintaining your happiness.

Consequently, because of my “many experiences,” some readers have also accused me of promoting casual sex, to which I claim “not guilty.” Promoting casual sex is as regressive as promoting abstinence: both create cultures that force people to conform to a standard, whether “sexual liberation” or “sexual deliberation.” What I want to promote is a healthy attitude toward one’s own sexuality. If casual sex makes a person happy, then s/he should not feel judged by society for having casual sex. Likewise, if a person feels that sex should only be shared with someone special, then s/he should not be pressured into doing something s/he does not want to do. I have been focusing specifically on women as victims of sex and stereotypes, but for every woman accused of being a “slut,” there is a man afraid of being called a “virgin.” In both cases society forces someone to conform to a norm rather than celebrate their own sexual identity. Therefore, I ask you, my readers, to uphold your own beliefs and not become or make others victims of “social norms.”

As I plow through my comments, I am also delighted to hear about so many wonderful, ready-to-please (and still available) men on this campus. This makes a girl giddy. However, the cases I have listed in previous articles are, in fact, prevalent in Stanford. Both men and women have been quick in telling me that they/their partners are not like that. In fact, they say, it is my skewed perception of the world that made these things visible to me. While I understand their effort in restoring the name of men made rotten by “a few bad apples,” I insist on my stance on respect and awareness.

The scenarios I have listed in my two previous articles have been committed by lovely Stanford men who may or may not have beautiful girlfriends. And while it is easy to dismiss these scenarios of coercion as something “other” than our own experiences, we have maybe only one degree of separation between “us” and “them.” According to a U.S. Department of Justice report entitled, “Sexual Assault on Campus: What Colleges and Universities Are Doing About It,” statistics have shown that one in four women have experienced rape in their college career. In addition, the report indicates that the majority of rape is committed by people whom the victims know. In fact, “the more intimate the relationship, the more likely it is for a rape to be completed rather than attempted. Half of all student victims do not label the incident ‘rape.’” We read these statistics, and easily remove ourselves from the statistical pool or place ourselves in the non-victim and non-offender category. Therefore, to emphasize the “rarity” instead of (in context) “often” is counterproductive to my objective.

What we have to keep in mind is that people around us, and perhaps we, too, have been or will be “challenged” in the bedroom, and confronted by something that makes us uncomfortable. It could be the situation listed or it could be something more minor or severe. If we recognize the situation, we have a choice in deciding which part of the statistical pool we want to belong to. We can choose to recognize the violation and stand up firmly in defense of our own beliefs and of ourselves. Or we can dismiss it, and be like the female protagonist from “The Blowjob Scenario,” compromising our own morals and self-esteem, scarring our sex-life.  Similarly, if we are the people who are in the position of possible coercion, do we recognize that we are making our partners feel uncomfortable and consequently remove ourselves from the “gray zone,” respecting our partners while protecting our own integrity? Or do we let our primal instinct take over and make regretful judgments that could be life damaging? (TBC)

To inquire about eligible bachelors ready to please, contact yanran@stanford.edu. She is celebrating celibacy as a sex columnist for the sheer irony of it.

  • Steven Crane

    You always say just what needs to be said. Thanks, Yanran.

    Rape, sexual assault, and unhealthy, coercive sexual relationships ARE a huge problem, and while it’s not fun to talk about them, to think about them, or to know they are a part of one’s own intimate social structure, they are. The longer we deny that reality and ignore the problem, the worse our collective decisions will be in how we treat sex in action, in thought, and in conversation. Keep doing what you’re doing.

  • Statistics

    The thing about rape statistic is this: rather then assuming that one fourth of men are rapping one fourth of the women, you have to realize that the far more likely scenario is that a group of men is reoffending. Sexual offenders, and this particularly true with the child offenders, can have hundreds of victims before they are caught. This is important to remember because for every girl that is raped that fails to report the guy there might be five more victims in the future or the past. However, the statistic that 1/4 girls is raped in college does not mean that the majority or even a large percentage of men committed those assaults (BTW: 1 in 5 girls will be sexually assaulted in some way before the age of 18, that number for boys is 1 in 10, either number should be considered shockingly high). It does mean though that girls and boys alike should stand up and report it when it happens, and that there should be a better system in place to protect these victims, and alternatively to make sure that false reporting is punished because it trivalizes the issues and makes it harder for actual victims to get help. If there was only one rape on this campus I would feel that that was one rape too many, but our rape statistic are also not in line with the rest of the country (fortunately). So while I think Yanran is right in pointing to these statistics and demanding that both men and women take a stand, and I agree with her that awareness and respect are important, I still think she is using in a way that is inaccurate, not reflective of OUR campus culture, and once again making a claim about most men that is untrue.

  • Stephanie Sy

    Yanran, while my personal experiences with dating are very different from yours, I fully support what you’re doing with your column. I hope you choose to continue to write and I hope the Daily Editorial staff will continue to back you up.

    Steven’s right when he says that it’s not fun or kosher to talk about these things in public, but there is a need to know that they are part of our society. When it comes to sex, there are definitely degrees of coercion, and usually, the situation is only clear in retrospect. The more people think about the uncomfortable truths you bring up, the more likely it is that they’ll recognize what’s going on and exercise good judgment if they’re ever in a bad situation.

    Statistics might be right when he/she says that your column is not reflective of campus culture, but in doing so he implies that the only things that are fit to be written or read about are topics that represent the ‘majority.’ I completely disagree with this implication! Edge cases are also interesting and equally important. Especially in cases that deal with traditionally taboo topics like sex where the minority of cases that go bad (coercion, outright rape) can traumatically impact the lives of the people it affects.

  • Statistics

    The problem, Stephanie, is that she says they are the majority. If she would just add a qualifier and say “some”, or “this is the extreme” I wouldn’t be bothered by her articles in the slightest.

  • Yanran Lu

    Statistics,

    I have never claimed they are the “majority,” I have however, used the word “often,” which could not be interpreted as majority but that one thing happens more often than the other. Thanks for trying to dig deep into my words and I’m sorry that it was a point of ambiguity.

    Also the thing to realize that “coercion” is not just in reference to rape, but a whole spectrum of gray areas. While you might have had the perfect sex lives, I can’t imagine that this world is filled with perfect relationships (sexual or otherwise). Most of the girls I have talked to have experienced being “blue-balled”, aka, when a guy finishes, he leaves/goes to sleep etc and leave the girl hanging. While it is in some instances completely expected that a guy gets a blow job, it is not expected that the guy gives oral sex. In fact, there are both men and women who are uncomfortable with the idea of female oral sex. In addition, I am not sure what exactly is representative of “campus culture” if we don’t engage in open dialogues about sex. Even when we do engage in dialogues about sex, people feel forced to talk about sex in a certain way that they think make them “fit in” or “pass on the right message.”

    I’ve actually just talked a male friend of mine who got sexually molested couple of hours ago (by another male student). And he does not know what to do, I said, press charges. And it was a frustrating thing trying to figure everything out, because the Judicial Affairs does absolutely nothing except covering up the University’s asses. In addition, the process seems so daunting and the perpetrator gets no real consequences. He blames himself for what happened and he doesn’t know how to prove it etc etc….It’s frustrating and it is not ok.

    And it is probably the same guys who are doing the “perpetration” over and over again, and they get away with it or not even realize that they did anything “wrong.” In addition, “the victims,” blaming themselves, do not talk about it. Therefore, if you are not someone who engages in open sexual discourses all the time, I can’t imagine people randomly come up to you during brunch and say “I’ve been violated/I feel compromised/I hate myself/I can’t believe I let him…”

    Of course, for the sake of completion, it is not to say that some people don’t enjoy having cum over their face or having anal sex etc. The point is sometimes people are doing it not because they want to but because they feel compelled. In many ways, we’ve internalized sexism, and I think a lot of women and men are very uncomfortable with me hypothesizing a dialogue in which the girl treats the guy “equally” or “do onto others what you want to be done to you.” Once again, you can’t ignore the double standard.