“Freshman year, I hooked up with a guy. Five minutes in, he asked me if I wanted to give him a blowjob. Stunned, I said no. He asked, “why not?” I glided uncomfortably, not wanting to “ruin” the moment, “Because… I don’t want to?” “Come on!” “No,” Shaking my head, trying to play it off and still be cute, “I don’t want to.” “Ah, come on! Look at him [the penis], this is all your fault! You gotta do something about it!” “No….” “Why not? Come on!” I felt very uncomfortable, but didn’t want to flip on him…because…well… at least he asked nicely…right? And he is cute, and he is a friend, and this is Stanford and this cannot be one of those situations…I mean that is so far away…only in books and workshops, right? “Come on! Just five seconds!” “No….” “Just five seconds! Come on! Put your mouth on it! Wet it!” He persisted with a smirk on his face, waving his penis at me…”
Some guys do not seem to get that when a girl says no, she is not being an Asian guest at the dinner table trying to be polite and only have what is offered after the third time asking. She is genuinely disinterested. It could be that she is not really turned on (then maybe the guy should try harder to please her first) or simply that she does not feel comfortable. One should respect her decision no matter what. However, the audience might be tempted to ask, if she is so uncomfortable, why does she not walk out? Why does she go through with it? Why is she in the situation in the first place? It is her fault that she is not standing up for herself… And quickly we blame the girl’s involvement or passivity in the situation. Suddenly the one at fault is the girl, and the guy vanishes from the equation.
The guy could even argue that he has done nothing wrong, that he has not “coerced” her into doing anything she does not want to do, that he has not used physical violence. He has “merely” persisted verbally. Yet what he has done is enough to pressure a passive girl into doing something she does not want to do. Firstly, his tone is friendly, making it harder for the girl to refuse his requests. Secondly, he is firm in his demand and never backs down even though the girl refuses him again and again. Thirdly, he perpetuates guilt by framing it to be the girl’s fault that he has a “boner” and therefore, the girl is “responsible” for taking care of “it.” Last but not least, he makes “reasonable” demands by asking her to take smaller steps such as “just putting her mouth on it” or “just five seconds,” so she would be “unreasonable” if she refuses.
As a result of these tactics, the girl feels compelled by the situation. She does not want to be disagreeable. She does not know what she should do; she does not want to think of herself as a “victim” or to blame him as an “offender” because he is otherwise a “nice guy”…a “Stanford Man”…and bad things do not happen at Stanford…
She feels cornered, accepts the situation to be the norm, and considers “giving blowjobs” to be something that is expected of her. Although she does not want to get more physically intimate with this partner and confront his genitals, she questions herself and feels that there is no other option because of the persistence. She is to “blame” for his erection. Other girls probably have to do the same in similar situations. The only way to resolve the matter is to appease him, to put her mouth on his penis for “just” five seconds, but he will probably ask for more…but this will not end until he gets off. And if she flips on him and walks out of the door, she is going to be “aggressive,” “angry,” “unreasonable,” the “slut he hooked up with” or the “bitch who gave him blue balls”… so the only way to get out of the situation is to do the deed unwillingly…
Consequently, the guy manages to get what he wants from a sexual situation through various tactics of guilt and coercion. I hope to have shed some light on why girls give blowjobs or have sex or get into sexual situations they do not want to be in. I implore you to ask yourselves: is this ok? What does it mean to “consent”? Is it consent if it is silent? Is it consent if he asks a second time? How about the third? The nth?
Let Yanran know your answers to these questions, how you feel about the issue, what “sexual assault/abuse” means, or if this scenario qualifies these “labels” at [email protected].