SATIRE: It’s that time of year again when U.S. News & World Report gives everyone the chance to prove they’re better than their high school friends by ranking the best universities in the country — a score internal whistleblowers recently revealed is calculated primarily by how far alumni can piss.
SATIRE: An expert witness accused RPM of using the same marketing tactics as Big Solvent companies during the middle school glue-sniffing epidemic of the 1990’s.
SATIRE: “Stanford has been ignoring the words of God for too long,” religious studies professor Jessie Chriest said. “Unfortunately, this institution must pay for what it has done.”
SATIRE: One assistant claimed that the lack of a Notes from the Quad post from Persis Drell meant that not enough controversy had been stirred up to make the trip worth it.
SATIRE: McPat’s request is a part of a larger feature of FERPA that allows students at elite universities all over the country to relive the sweet ecstasy of getting into their top school.
SATIRE: The first mention of an appearance occurred around 9:52 p.m. when a frosh tipped them off about “a ghost ruining the vibes.”
SATIRE: “It’s a community we can trust to uphold the Standards of Excellence,” Brubaker-Cole wrote. “You get 10 Greek houses when you earn 10 Greek houses.”
SATIRE: The theme has inspired a bunch of other strange acts like making marriage pacts with norovirus and drenching suits, tuxedos and dresses in vats of liquified norovirus. One frosh even legally changed his name to Alligot Iza Winterbug.