Humor by Michelle Fu
Big Game approaches, and that means that there’s only one thing on the mind: BUCK. FERKLEE.
Look at these losers, coming from their shitty-ass campus all the way in Boston (seriously, it’s like three ugly buildings held together by a methhead-frequented Dunkin’ Donuts). Who do they think they are? What makes them think that they’re even worthy of taking on Stanford? I don’t care about them in the slightest, so I looked them up in order to write this article. Um… are we sure that these guys even HAVE a football team?
And if they do have a football team, it would be made up almost entirely of music majors. MUSIC MAJORS. These bitches are gonna be on the field saying shit like “oh no, I can’t catch the ball because I need my fingers to play Rach 3!” or “wait, I need to take a timeout for my daily hour of Dorian, Aeolian and Mixolydian scales!”
I will admit that their band is … actually very good, but that’s beside the point. Did you know that their mascot is *gag* “Mingus the Jazz Cat?!” Eugch. What’s with their obsession with jazz? “Improvisation” my ass. Couldn’t you just, like, play the right notes?
Here’s a few other miscellaneous ways in which we’re superior:
- There’s an entire Wikipedia page for our notable alumni. They have who? Charlie Puth and John Mayer? Lame.
- Their school colors are red and gray, in an obvious attempt to rip off cardinal and white. They didn’t even choose a shade of red!
- Our seal and motto? Infinitely better. What the hell does “to be, rather than to seem” even mean?
Anyway, all of this is just to say: BERKLEE SUCKS. GO STANFORD!!!!!
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.