Humor by Ben Lees
Stanford Finance’s application process begins in November, but students interested in finance are already gearing up for the competitive recruiting cycle. Though the prospective “analysts” seek different roles and occupations, they all share a common goal: developing the skills and connections necessary to bring about the next major financial crisis.
“I’m ready to make my mark,” said Parker Graves ’25, who has dreamt since childhood of destabilizing markets for vital resources like food, water and housing. “Events like the 2007 subprime mortgage crisis inspire me. I always thought my aspirations were just a pipe dream, that I would be ridiculed for wanting to make money at the expense of broader society. It was such a relief to learn that there’s a community here that approves of speculating on people’s livelihoods.”
Other students have different focuses: “I’ve always admired great figures like Tim Geithner and Ben Bernanke,” said Chris Wiley ’24. “In 2008, when the federal government bailed out the big investment banks while leaving impoverished Americans high and dry — it brought a tear to my eye,” he continued, visibly restraining his emotions. “I’d do anything to be in a position to do the same come the next crash.”
Stanford Finance offers tremendous opportunities, but its exclusive program can only take on so many students. If you’ve ever wanted to cause a major economic crisis yourself, you’d better get started on your application: The next big bubble will burst any moment.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.