Humor by Cassidy Dalva
Delayed deliveries, hourlong wait times, and lost packages: Stanford students have grown restless and frustrated at the state of affairs in the Tresidder Package Center. However, a group of students from Stanford’s acclaimed equestrian team has taken matters into their own hands, launching a crowdfunded startup called Stanford Pony ExpressTM, designed to expedite delivery of students’ packages straight to their dorms.
“The mission of Stanford Pony Express is speed,” said Megan Stallione ’25, who created Stanford Pony Express after sleeping for weeks without the Pottery Barn comforter that was meant to arrive the day she moved in.
“A few days of sleeping on a barren mattress would be tolerable,” Stallione mused, “but after two weeks, I feel like SPOT never ended.”
Stallione, along with her equestrian couriers, have set a goal to surpass UG2’s delivery processing speed. Stanford Pony Express pledges that all packages will be processed within a week of their arrival, or sooner if your mom’s leftover ravioli ‘care package’ starts to stink up the barn.
Stallione and her team also promise that students will never have to venture farther than the outskirts of their dorms to pick up mail. The startup’s agile horses and messengers can navigate anywhere on campus, from the urban bustle of Crothers to the rural, remote corners of GovCo. Instead of waiting for a cryptically-worded, days-late email, students will know that their package has arrived when they hear a whinny outside their windows.
Precariously balancing your CoHo latte and a bubble-wrap-cushioned microwave as you bike from Tresidder to your dorm will be an arm workout of the past.
It’s clear that Stanford Pony Express will be expeditious and convenient. However, for students whose packages have mysteriously vanished at the Tresidder Package Center, one looming question remains: Can Stanford Pony Express make sure that none of the packages go missing? According to Chief Operating Officer Britney Spurs, their promise of security is backed by empirics. In trials, the startup’s horses only mistook AirPods for peanuts about 10% of the time, and packaged Apple Pencils for carrots only 5% of the time.
As with any startup, time will tell whether Stanford Pony Express can live up to its lofty promises. Nevertheless, as students across Stanford nervously await the arrival of their Nicolas Cage body pillow or their Squid Game Halloween costume, they can sleep soundly knowing that on-campus deliveries have a steady hand at the reins.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.