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Zuckerberg toys with Facebook on/off switch, revels in unfathomable power

Humor by

Security footage leaked from the office of Facebook’s CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, shows him fiddling with a large red switch last week. The switch, which was labeled “Power Trip” and placed on the wall near his desk, appears to have been the cause of last week’s service outage that took Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, Messenger and Oculus offline for more than six hours.

Though the audio and video from the leaked footage are a bit garbled, Zuckerberg appears to smile robotically as he mutters “Two billion active users… Two billion. That’s… That’s more than the U.S… More than China. I control them. What they see. What they think. What they believe!” Zuckerberg’s smile breaks into a toothy grin as he flips the switch and whispers “and, on a whim, I can take it all away.”

He then calls an assistant into his office, who he instructs to “let me know when the proletariat has forgotten about all that whistleblower stuff, so I remember to restore their ability to communicate.”

Zuckerberg then returns to his work, where he pours over a large map of the world, pushing little Facebook-blue tanks from country to country until the tape ends.

In a statement following the leak, Facebook appeared nonchalant about the tapes, writing that “Supreme Leader Zuckerberg always strives to take utmost care in how he manipulates public opinion for his own gain. While we apologize for the inconvenience of the outage, we ask the citizens of Facebook to understand that this move was necessary to prevent dangerous truths from spreading on our platform.”

Fully recognizing the business value of Facebook’s ability to manipulate global public discourse, investors poured into the company following the statement, increasing Zuckerberg’s personal fortune by the value of a small city.

Though the Occasionally reached out to Zuckerberg directly to ask him if he expected to see any regulatory action as a result of the recent revelations, he only chuckled as he replied: 

“I am the Senate.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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Contact Seamus at humor 'at' stanforddaily.com.