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The horrifying consequences of childhood stardom: Where are the Care Bears now?

Humor by

You may remember the Care Bears as the classic 1980s children’s show starring lovable grizzly bears brutally extracted from their natural habitat, painfully branded on their bellies, and dyed various colors. This otherwise innocent premise, however, has had unfortunate unintended consequences on its now middle-aged cast.

Share Bear

Disillusioned with society after working with her selfish peers, Share Bear joined a commune in southern Oregon. Due to not paying taxes or recognizing the authority of the federal government, the commune was raided by the FBI, and Share Bear was unfortunately caught in the crossfire.

Bedtime Bear

Constantly pressured to put people to sleep, Bedtime Bear resorted to illegally dealing sleeping pills using the street name Bar-bear-ian, eventually abusing them himself.

Grumpy Bear

Rewarded rather than punished for her rash, inconsiderate behavior, Grumpy Bear grew up maladjusted and with several anger management issues. She tragically passed away in an unexpected car accident after her road rage blinded her to oncoming traffic.

Tenderheart Bear 

Although the tenderness of his heart was benign during childhood, the mismanagement of Tenderheart Bear’s myocarditis had adverse consequences. Left untreated for years, he suffered from acute heart failure causing sudden death at the young age of 16.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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Humor Managing Editor and All-Time Humblest Writer at The Daily