“Abolish the frats!” we hear you saying. That sounds like something our writers (not exactly the frat type) could get on board with. But the question stands: what do we replace them with? The Occasionally got to work, and here are our suggestions.

Row fairgrounds

Stanford already has a farm, so it’s only natural we also have a fair! This will be your chance to drool over deep-fried versions of Stanford’s campus cuisines, although the TAP menu admittedly tastes exactly the same. In addition, fairgrounds would be both a quieter and cleaner replacement for many of the frat houses on the row. — Om Jahagirdar ‘23

Frats from other universities

It’d be a shame to just let perfectly good frat houses go to waste — I mean, what are we supposed to do, go to all the trouble of repurposing them? Screw that! Just call up a party school somewhere, tell them we have some vacancies on the Row and they’ll fit right in. — Johnny Dollard ‘24

Gamma Gamma Gamma 

Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss — Simran Tandon ’24

Big Bowl of Soup

There’s nowhere to eat on the Row if you don’t you live there (unless you count smushed 5SURE pop tarts). Picture this: It’s midnight and you’re stumbling down Mayfield Ave., hungry but fresh out of meal plan dollars, hopeless … until you see Big Bowl of Soup emerge from the horizon. Salvation! And imagine the pool parties in the spring! — Lana Tleimat ‘23

Underground overground cockfighting syndicate

Hear me out. We host a professional cockfighting ring that is, yes, completely illegal but also sponsored by the school, so I’m sure it will be completely chill. Each house is its own team. I’m thinking one could be Spanish-themed called El Pollo Loco; maybe another is French: Le Poulet Enchaîné. I really think we can get the admin on board too, so like I said, all gain, no pain. — Uche Ochuba ‘24

Pile of bargain bin DVDs

Give the people what they want and turn the empty frat house into a worse version of Blockbuster DVD. — Simran Tandon ’24

A secret society

I would suggest a name but then it wouldn’t be secret anymore. Imagine, if instead of beer-drenched frat boys the row was suffused with mysterious cloaked figures, scuttling about with lit candles and books in dead languages. I, for one, believe that the ambiance of the frat houses would be greatly improved by the presence of pentagrams, ghosts and, of course, secrets. — Sarah Lewis ‘24

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.