Libra – Be the revolutionary who starts the brand new, pebble-based economy.

Aries – Watching CoComelon is a surefire way to achieve inner peace.

Sagittarius – Avoid revenge-seeking crows.

Pisces – Rate your partner on their willingness to commit tax evasion.

Scorpio – Mr. Bean will be your guiding light.

Taurus – Your aura resembles that of a prehistoric turtle-frog.

Leo – Try fatalism.

Capricorn – Medium roast coffee is inauspicious this week. 

Gemini – Shhhhh. 

Cancer – Let your heart become a home for flea-ridden cats.

Virgo –  Now is the time to enter the lucrative business of alpaca farming. 

Aquarius – Stevia will be your downfall.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.