Accessibility statementSkip to main content
We need your help: All banner donations made today will support The Daily's new staff financial aid program.
Learn more and donate.

Donate

Student who hasn’t left her room in EVGR wonders whether the latest SMC post is about her

Humor by

Sierra Kennedy ’23 has not left her room in EVGR for seven whole days. In fact, she has not left her bed for twenty-six whole hours. But, in her mind, that hasn’t taken her out of the running for the latest Stanford Missed Connections post.

“The post referenced someone at Arrillaga who listens to girl in red,” said Kennedy. “I LISTEN TO GIRL IN RED.” 

Upon further questioning and reminding Kennedy that she has in fact not been to Arrillaga Family Dining Commons since week eight, Kennedy responded with a fascinating theory about the mysterious post.

“Look, the way I see it, half of these buildings are named Arrillaga, so maybe the original poster got confused and meant EVGR,” replied Kennedy.

Upon even more questioning (yes, we’re that thorough (we are serious journalists after all)), we reminded Kennedy that she has not seen a single individual since the beginning of Week 9, so there was no way she could have had a missed connection.

“HA true! Missed connection to society,” she added. “Hi, this is a sign for help. Someone please take me outside and touch the grass.”

At press time, one of our reporters escorted Kennedy outdoors for a couple of minutes from a safe distance while wearing masks. Within two minutes, Kennedy barked at a cyclist nearby.

“Never mind. I remember why I didn’t go outside,” she added. As of print time, Kennedy is back in her single refusing to do the three outstanding assignments she has yet to even begin to work on.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

While you're here...

We're a student-run organization committed to providing hands-on experience in journalism, digital media and business for the next generation of reporters. Your support makes a difference in helping give staff members from all backgrounds the opportunity to develop important professional skills and conduct meaningful reporting. All contributions are tax-deductible.

Donate

Get Our EmailsGet Our Emails

The author's profile picture

Richard Coca '22 has previously served as editor of The Grind for volume 258, managing editor of Satire in vol. 257, and CLIP Co-chair in vol. 255. He is majoring in Human Biology and minoring in Anthropology. Contact him at rcoca 'at' stanforddaily.com.