Humor by Prateek Joshi
Hyping up the latest advancement in telecommunications technology, AT&T announced on Wednesday that its new 5G technology will drop calls at speeds three times faster than previously thought possible.
The revelation reassured AT&T’s frustrated 4G LTE customers, who have spent years suffering through calls that took several excruciatingly long seconds before disconnecting on their end.
“Gone are the antiquated days when you dial a phone number and get to two rings before your phone involuntarily hangs up,” touted CEO John T. Stankey in a press release that had to be mailed to media outlets because of AT&T’s poor internet service at his own home. “With our revolutionary 5G infrastructure that covers two and a half blocks of the SoMa neighborhood in San Francisco, the call will fail before you even hear a single ring. Now that is lighting fast.”
Stankey ended the letter by reassuring customers that their new 5G plan would include free directions to the nearest McDonald’s parking lot with a half-decent WiFi signal.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.