Nancy Pelosi’s stolen laptop reveals her Minecraft addiction

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The riots on Capitol Hill marked a frightening moment in our nation’s history. The breaching of congressional offices, however, at least gave the public access to personal information on many of our policymakers ― things the U.S was in dire need of. Journalists at our D.C. headquarters were able to retrieve a report on Nancy Pelosi’s computer and discovered she has an addiction from which many Americans also suffer: playing Minecraft.

The report indicated that Nancy Pelosi plays Minecraft for a shocking 10 hours daily, scheduling gaming sessions around congressional hearings. Her most recent project: building a virtual model of the Star Wars universe. So far, she has completed construction of the planet Tatooine, including a replica of Jabba the Hutt that looks vaguely similar to Mitch McConnell. Pelosi is continuing to expand her Minecraft world by recreating the entire Galactic Congress and ruling it with an iron fist as a block-shaped Supreme Chancellor.

Moreover, Pelosi’s Minecraft addiction extends far beyond just playing the game. Upon receiving the report, The Occasionally immediately checked Nancy Pelosi’s Spotify Wrapped. Our logic: How can the U.S trust a speaker of the House with bad musical taste? Data analysts found that 29 out of her top 100 streamed songs fit into the category of Minecraft parodies, with genre pioneer CaptainSparklez as her most listened to artist of 2020. Her top three songs of the year are shown below:

  1. Minecraft On My Mind” — Reptile Legit
  2. Mobs Can’t Handle Us” — Minecraft Steve
  3. Diamond King” — Phantaboulous

Apart from Pelosi’s Spotify data, The Occasionally was also able to search her browser history, discovering that she spends plenty of time watching Minecraft tutorials on YouTube. In fact, over 80% of her Google searches were found to be directly related to the video game (the other 20% were centered around precisely how to stuff Trump inside of a peach). The report also indicated that she’s currently working countless hours at night trying to become a popular video game live streamer. Unfortunately, her job as a legislator has hindered her ability to consistently produce content.

The Occasionally could not reach Pelosi for the comment. We speculate that she is currently battling the Ender Dragon.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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Lorenzo Del Rosario ’24 is the supreme dictator of the podcasts section. When he isn’t too busy taking long naps or religiously listening to Kendrick Lamar, he also writes for humor and the equity project. Hailing from the superior northern territory of Alaska, he plans on majoring in bioengineering and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at ldelrosario 'at' stanforddaily.com.