Persis, MTL announce machete-wielding man from FoHo exclusive to make all decisions from now on

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Following a decision-making process about as transparent as a Crothers basement window, the entire Stanford community has finally lost faith in whatever ****ing magic conch shell Provost Persis Drell and President Marc Tessier-Lavigne were consulting in winter-quarter planning.

“It is with deep regret that we announce we can no longer delude frosh and sophomores into boarding a plane to the literal epicenter of a global pandemic,” wrote Drell and Tessier-Lavigne. “Back in December, only 400 people were dying per day in California — it was truly a different time. Now, it’s 500 people per day.”

While the University has its sights on spring quarter, student leaders are overreacting by selfishly requesting that they have a say in decisions that affect them. In response, Drell and Tessier-Lavigne announced that all future decisions will be made by that one machete-wielding bike thief that the Fountain Hopper reported on last February.

“Apparently we’ve had issues with the whole ‘public safety’ side of these decisions,” wrote Drell and Tessier-Lavigne. “So, we picked someone that prioritizes public safety just a bit more than we do. I mean, we want people to really believe us next time. This guy once convinced a freshman to transport stolen coffee across campus, so he ought to be the right man to convince students of whatever trumped-up Fyre Festival crap we pull next time.”

Our machete-wielding friend replaces a decision-making team that has so far only been referred to vaguely as “medical experts.” On a totally unrelated note, how is Stanford medical expert Scott Atlas doing?

At press time, Drell was seen saying, “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids,” to one of the Burghers of Calais with a picture of Santa Clara County Public Health Director Sarah Cody taped onto it.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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Patrick Monreal '22 is the forefather of the satire section. He still kind of hangs around meetings and pretends to contribute to news. A native of Fresno, California, he is majoring in Earth Systems on the oceans track and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at pmonreal 'at' stanford.edu.