Humor by Michelle Fu
IMPORTANT: this article is for Professor Venkatesh only! If you aren’t Professor Venkatesh, what are you even doing on this page?
Okay, now that everyone who isn’t Professor Venkatesh has left — hi. Thanks for reading my articles, professor. I really appreciate it. But here’s the thing: I have a confession to make.
I don’t *actually* know how to do math. In truth, I don’t even know what a number is.
It all started in kindergarten when my teacher held up a picture of some apples and said, “Now, who can tell me how many apples are in this picture?” “Three!” my classmates all shouted eagerly — but all I could think was, “Three? What the heck is three?” I’ve been pretending ever since.
It feels good to admit it. And since I’ve come this far, I should also admit that I’ve been completing all of my assignments through ancient summoning rituals and witchcraft. See, I never really understood the whole “you’re never going to have a calculator with you in the real world” argument. I mean, can’t you just get the ghost of Carl Freidrich Gauss to do the math for you? And what do you mean that “no one else has entered into a blood contract with his spirit?”
Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say, Professor Venkatesh. Thanks again for reading my work.
P.S. If you want to meet Gauss, I have tea with him and Euclid on Sunday afternoons.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.