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Student resolves that he’ll raise his grades right before taking fifth consecutive self-care day

Humor by

Minutes after pledging to himself that this would be the quarter his GPA went up, Jason Lin ’23 could be found lying on his bed, deeply entrenched in rat videos on TikTok as a Twitch Minecraft stream played in the background.

“It’s self care,” Jason said, brushing the Dorito crumbs off his lap and onto the floor. “I really just needed a brain break, you know?” 

When asked about his essay due in two days and the 20 lecture videos he still had to catch up on, Jason said that he would worry about them later. 

“I really think it’s important to take care of yourself,” Jason said. He then proceeded to push his textbooks to the floor and begin building a sculpture out of chocolate cake and gummy worms. “Like, just two days ago, I was thinking about starting my CS pset, but then I realized that that would be stressful and mess with these vibes I’ve curated. So instead I bought a bunch of clothes from Gymshark and started a ‘Parks and Rec’ marathon.” 

Jason added that he had no idea when his brain break would come to an end. “It’s just gonna happen when it happens,” he said. “And I’ll get caught up on school and bring my grades up eventually. There’s still like, half the quarter left, right?”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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Michelle Fu ’24 is a staff writer for the humor section. When she’s not busy being the funniest person on campus, she can be found shredding on the violin or grinding out a CS pset. Contact her at humor ‘at’