Starbucks CEO relieved ‘War on Christmas’ no longer his responsibility

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Following the release of audio tapes in which First Lady Melania Trump asked, “Who gives a f*ck about Christmas?” Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson confided to The Occasionally that he felt immense relief over no longer having to single-handedly wage the War on Christmas.

“The first time you release a secular commemorative coffee cup and tell your employees to say ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas,’ a little thrill goes through you, you know? It’s the glee of knowing that you’ve made tremendous strides in the incredibly bloody, all-important War on Christmas. But after the third time, it’s just kind of boring, and coming up with new battle tactics is a lot harder than it looks,” said Johnson. “That’s why it’s great to see that Melania’s willing to step into this role and lead the War on Christmas all by herself.”

Privately, Johnson expressed that he never expected the First Lady of the United States to be the new general in the War on Christmas. “I mean, of course you hope that the people fighting in this war are fairly important —household names, you know? But I never thought she’d be the one to do it. I figured that the best we’d get would be Adam Sandler or something. It’s amazing to see that we’ve made it to right outside of the Oval Office.”

At press time, Johnson had finished listening to the tapes, in which the first lady also expressed her lack of concern for migrant children separated from their parents at the border. When asked for comment, Johnson stated, “On second thought, I think we’d rather have Adam Sandler. At least he has a soul.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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Kathryn Zheng ’24 is from Tenafly, New Jersey. She plans to major in International Relations and currently writes for News and Satire.