Republican Party decries nation’s dependence on bloated government bureaucracy to count election ballots

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In an interview with Fox News on Sunday, Republican National Committee chairperson Ronna McDaniel criticized the nation’s dependence on a bloated government bureaucracy to count election ballots. Instead, McDaniel stated that the patriotic and hardworking citizens of the United States were capable of counting their own ballots, without interference from Washington elites.  

“We can’t expect government overreach to solve all our problems, particularly when it comes to voting in this election,” explained McDaniel, who was highly critical of states that wasted taxpayer money to hire and train qualified individuals to count ballots in order to ensure a free and fair election. “If you’re a registered legal voter, then you should be able to certify the results of the election on your own, without some oppressive county-level registrar of voters mandating that they do it for you. I mean, what happened to individual responsibility in this country?” 

As the crucial 2020 election approached, McDaniel complained that people who planned to vote by mail were overly dependent on a corrupt welfare-state run by the U.S. Postal Service.  

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

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Prateek, a former editor-in-chief of Brown University’s satirical newspaper (The Brown Noser), signed with the Stanford Daily’s satire section in free agency. He also had one glorious month-long stint contributing headlines to The Onion, none of which were published. Feel free to send him article suggestions and harsh criticism at pjoshi2 ‘at’ His favorite hobby is getting an M.S. in Civil and Environmental Engineering (Class of 2021), focusing on sustainable energy systems. When he’s not satirizing, he’s fervently searching for whoever had the nerve to claim the “pjoshi1” email username.