Humor by Robert Castaneros
Fyre Festival is set to take place in April 2021 — albeit in a fully-online format.
Following its debut in 2017, the mismanaged music festival faced great public scrutiny. No big deal, though — it was just festivalgoers housed in disaster-relief tents and fed poor-quality cheese sandwiches; they were at least more appetizing than the watermelon chicken sandwiches served at NYU.
Some other small mishaps: people stranded in the Bahamas without medical personnel or running water; attendees trapped in the airport for 24 hours without food, water or air conditioning; and — most damning of all — a distinct lack of a Lil Yachty performance.
Founder Billy McFarland is currently incarcerated for wire fraud. McFarland’s attorney Lee Gully Blond reports that McFarland was wrongfully charged. “I don’t think wire fraud is an appropriate assessment of his crimes — last time I checked, there wasn’t any electricity at the festival.”
The Daily spoke with McFarland at the federal penitentiary in Elkton, Ohio.
“Yeah, so I really wanted to bring Fyre Festival back. Right now, people are really sad about quarantine, and I think this will cheer everyone up,” McFarland said. “So we’re currently reimagining how Fyre can take place in an online format.”
He added, “One of my dreams is to bring people to the NBA bubble and leave them there with absolutely nothing. Like no beds, terrible food, no running water. You know, the full experience. Just a bunch of twenty-somethings packed in the bubble, enjoying music from their favorite artists on these little iPods we’ll provide them.”
In addition to planning the Fyre Festival, McFarland has been conducting pyramid schemes in prison.
“Yeah, so I’ve diversified my fraud techniques, so I’m ready to scam clout-chasing millennials once I get out! I want more Netflix documentaries made about me,” McFarland said. “It’s called building a legacy.”
In other news, Kate Holmes, disgraced Theranos founder and Stanford dropout, claimed that Theranos would sponsor the festival. Holmes added, “Real recognize real.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.