Humor by Kathryn Zheng
One of the most hated men in America, Ted Cruz, is somehow relevant again? Our man Ted is hated only slightly less than Martin Shkreli and a little bit more than Jake Paul, but despite all of that, he’s managed to once again claw his way back into the public eye! Congrats, Ted? I guess?
To remind you of everything horrible Ted has done throughout his 49 years of life, we at The Occasionally have compiled a handy-dandy timeline.
1968 — At negative-two-years-old, Ted took up the mantle of the Zodiac Killer, murdering around 30 individuals across California.
1970 — Ted was born and immediately gave a speech about the virtues of trickle-down economics.
1988 — Ted headed off to Princeton University and managed to be the worst jerk at a school with eating clubs. He also began a systemic campaign to remove Cornell’s designation as an Ivy.
1997 — Ted worked for the NRA.
1999 — Ted worked on George W. Bush’s presidential campaign and covertly destroyed 537 ballots in Florida by force-feeding them to a kidnapped poll worker.
2004 — As the solicitor general of Texas, Ted said that a man serving 16-and-a-half-years in prison for stealing a calculator from Walmart, where suburban moms regularly “sample” bags of grapes, deserved his sentence.
2012 — Ted was elected senator of Texas, and the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse wondered if they were acting too quickly, guys.
2013 — Ted decided that people who couldn’t afford health insurance don’t deserve to live. He also ruined “Green Eggs and Ham,” because nothing is sacred in the hands of Ted.
2014 — Ted openly accused President Obama of treason because that’s totally a normal and acceptable thing for a state representative to do in a modern-day republic. Also, Ted continued to work against women’s rights, LGBTQ rights, bodily autonomy, the environment, immigration, equality, justice, life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness — okay, who’s voting for this guy again?
2015 — Ted decided to run for president, causing Americans to realize that they could actually end up with a worse leader than Watchmen-timeline Richard Nixon.
2016 —After inevitably ending his campaign, Ted proved his utter lack of morals yet again by endorsing a crypto-fascist racist who openly derided his family. Oh, wait, this isn’t funny.
2017 — Ted was terrible.
2018 — Ted was terrible.
2019 — Ted was terrible.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.