Ted Cruz relevant again, unfortunately

Humor by

One of the most hated men in America, Ted Cruz, is somehow relevant again? Our man Ted is hated only slightly less than Martin Shkreli and a little bit more than Jake Paul, but despite all of that, he’s managed to once again claw his way back into the public eye! Congrats, Ted? I guess?

To remind you of everything horrible Ted has done throughout his 49 years of life, we at The Occasionally have compiled a handy-dandy timeline.

1968 — At negative-two-years-old, Ted took up the mantle of the Zodiac Killer, murdering around 30 individuals across California.

1970 — Ted was born and immediately gave a speech about the virtues of trickle-down economics. 

1988 — Ted headed off to Princeton University and managed to be the worst jerk at a school with eating clubs. He also began a systemic campaign to remove Cornell’s designation as an Ivy. 

1997 — Ted worked for the NRA. 

1999 — Ted worked on George W. Bush’s presidential campaign and covertly destroyed 537 ballots in Florida by force-feeding them to a kidnapped poll worker.

2004 — As the solicitor general of Texas, Ted said that a man serving 16-and-a-half-years in prison for stealing a calculator from Walmart, where suburban moms regularly “sample” bags of grapes, deserved his sentence.

2012 — Ted was elected senator of Texas, and the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse wondered if they were acting too quickly, guys. 

2013 — Ted decided that people who couldn’t afford health insurance don’t deserve to live. He also ruined “Green Eggs and Ham,” because nothing is sacred in the hands of Ted. 

2014 — Ted openly accused President Obama of treason because that’s totally a normal and acceptable thing for a state representative to do in a modern-day republic. Also, Ted continued to work against women’s rights, LGBTQ rights, bodily autonomy, the environment, immigration, equality, justice, life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness — okay, who’s voting for this guy again?

2015 — Ted decided to run for president, causing Americans to realize that they could actually end up with a worse leader than Watchmen-timeline Richard Nixon. 

2016 —After inevitably ending his campaign, Ted proved his utter lack of morals yet again by endorsing a crypto-fascist racist who openly derided his family. Oh, wait, this isn’t funny. 

2017 — Ted was terrible

2018 — Ted was terrible.

2019 — Ted was terrible.

2020 — Breaking news: Ted is still terrible! Also, the crypto-fascist thinks he’d be a great Supreme Court Judge. Because that’s just life now in the United States of America. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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Kathryn Zheng ’24 is from Tenafly, New Jersey. She plans to major in International Relations and currently writes for News and Satire.