Prepared man already naked by end of TSA line

Humor by

Methodically peeling off layer by layer of restrictive clothing as he advanced through the socially-distanced TSA line at San Francisco International Airport on Tuesday, highly prepared man Patrick Johnson arrived at the end of the queue completely nude.  

“Look, traveling in the time of coronavirus is already stressful enough without the fact that you need to remove your shoes and belt before going through the body scan,” explained an au naturel Johnson, who was re-gathering his undergarments after making it through security unscathed. “I just want to make this process as quick and hassle-free as possible. So, I arrived at the airport without shoes and a belt to begin with. It’s always better to be prepared. Then, as the line started moving, I made sure to periodically strip at regular intervals so that I was fully in the buff by the time I reached the TSA officer. Well, except for my face shield, mask and gloves.” 

Johnson, who arrived at his gate seven hours early after bypassing the X-ray machine altogether, was viewed by fellow passengers as a shining example of the virtues of planning ahead of time.  

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

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Prateek, a former editor-in-chief of Brown University’s satirical newspaper (The Brown Noser), signed with the Stanford Daily’s satire section in free agency. He also had one glorious month-long stint contributing headlines to The Onion, none of which were published. Feel free to send him article suggestions and harsh criticism at pjoshi2 ‘at’ His favorite hobby is getting an M.S. in Civil and Environmental Engineering (Class of 2021), focusing on sustainable energy systems. When he’s not satirizing, he’s fervently searching for whoever had the nerve to claim the “pjoshi1” email username.