On Monday, President Trump announced from the Rose Garden that he is nominating himself to replace Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the Supreme Court. 

Trump found the position attractive mainly due to the lifetime appointment.

“I would have preferred a lifetime presidency, or even a third term,” he admitted. “But I kept hearing about these term limits. They’re terrible. Why do we even have term limits? We need to get rid of them. I fired all my staff members that talked about term limits. But their replacements’ replacements told me I just couldn’t do it, so Supreme Court Justice is the next best thing.”

At this point in the interview, a White House staffer, who later identified himself to The Occasionally as Rich Whiteman, whispered to Trump, “Mr. President, don’t forget that other reason.”

“Right,” Trump continued, “I have to, because after having been served so many lawsuits, there isn’t anybody, anyone in this country with a greater knowledge of legal proceedings than me. Only Trump can put Rus- I mean, America, first.”  

Trump’s Supreme Court ambitions apparently do not conflict with his ongoing campaign for a second term as President.

“Look, we are going to win in November and we are going to win big,” Trump told The Occasionally. “And then in January I will be sworn in as Supreme President Justice. Doesn’t that have a nice ring to it?”

Democrats haven’t been sure how to react to the announcement. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi did not respond to The Occasionally’s request for comment, although a Georgetown Cupcakes delivery worker did confirm an order of their new “Happy Apocalypse” dozen was sent to her office. 

Meanwhile, a frustrated spokesman for the Biden campaign tweeted, “This has been a real blow to the campaign today. We just finished perfecting Joe’s infrastructure policy initiatives and now nobody’s going to notice, all because they’re distracted by some half-formed idea Trump had that probably isn’t even legal.”

Is self-nomination legal? That remains unclear, but Trump might end up writing the opinion.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Allison Leibly at aleibly ‘at’ stanford.edu.