Satire by Lorenzo Del Rosario
Unless you’ve been stranded in the middle of the woods since March, you’ve probably heard the word ‘unprecedented’ at least 100 times in the past few months. Phrases such as ‘unprecedented pandemic’ or ‘unprecedented situation’ have become so commonplace in the news that they have ironically become very precedented. After receiving dozens of emails since March containing this godforsaken word, Stanford students have come to be quite frustrated with having to hear it so frequently.
As a way to combat the use of this infuriating word, a group of Stanford undergraduates has officially decided to create the organization “Unprecedon’t,” which aims to ensure that the University avoids the word as much as possible.
Despite being founded so recently, Unprecedon’t has grown substantially in the past few weeks. The organization has even led to connections among students from various departments who share a mutual hatred for the word. Computer science majors are using inspect elements to censor the word with asterisks in department emails. Students in psychology are offering free therapy sessions to those who have mental breakdowns at the mere sight of the word. English scholars are giving the Stanford administration suggestions of other words to use since there are literally dozens of synonyms.
“Does the University even own a thesaurus?” one English major asked.
The president of the organization stated in a recent interview, “I’m sick of constantly having to hear that dumb word. You know what’s unprecedented?! Me shoving a stick up the University’s…”
We are unable to share the remainder of the interview due to unprecedented language.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Lorenzo Del Rosario at lorenzak ‘at’ stanford.edu.