These have been especially hard times. A global pandemic, racial injustice, climate change and many other issues have been on all our minds. One man, however, seems to have had it the worst. Local racist Edgar Pritchard only recently learned that the name of his favorite football team, the Cleveland Browns, isn’t rooted in racism.

Our team last caught up with the 30-year-old professional as he left the FirstEnergy Stadium in a rage preceding the Browns’ first regular-season game against the Ravens. A fan, who asked to remain anonymous, reported seeing him silently reading a plaque about the team’s history before muttering under his breath, throwing his Browns baseball cap into the urinal and storming out of the bathroom. The fan also emphasized that this episode was one of the more normal occurrences he has witnessed in a public bathroom.

Although there is no way to confirm Pritchard is a racist, when asked if he was racist, he responded, “Well I have a Black coworker. We’re really good friends, and he gave me the pass.”

Due to Pritchard’s stringent criteria, he’s having a tough time finding a new team to support. He stated, “C’mon! Now I’m gonna have to switch to supporting the Kansas City Chiefs … or the Cleveland Indians … or the Atlanta Braves … or the Chicago Blackhawks … or every other college team!”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Om Jahagirdar at ojahagir ‘at’ stanford.edu