Satire by Lorenzo Del Rosario
Merriam-Webster defines a “simp” as someone who greatly overestimates the beauty of another person and acts submissively in the hopes that they will find true love. The phenomenon, known as “No Simp September,” has garnered mass attention across the nation on various social media platforms. The goal of the movement is simple: Participants must not engage in any “simp-like” behavior during the month of September.
While this may seem like an easy undertaking for most, one Stanford faculty member has made the challenge nearly impossible: President Marc Tessier-Lavigne (MTL).
Known as the heartthrob of the Stanford community, MTL recently delivered a captivating virtual speech at the 130th Opening Convocation Ceremony. While the University expected incoming frosh to view the event as a heartfelt welcome to the Stanford community, many students instead saw MTL’s speech as a catalyst for intense simping.
“Once the camera started zooming in on his handsome face, I felt beads of sweat drip down the side of my neck. He’s just so unbelievably good-looking, I had no other option but to simp,” said one frosh, who wished to remain anonymous due to privacy concerns.
Other Stanford students reported having butterflies in their stomach, drooling involuntarily and having the sudden urge to send roses to MTL’s front doorstep, all of which are widely recognized as simp-like behaviors. Some even took their simping a step further by flooding MTL’s email inbox with digital love letters and calling his office to say “Heyyyy Marc,” before abruptly hanging up.
MTL’s charm has made No Simp September yet another thing Stanford frosh can look forward to failing in addition to their classes.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Lorenzo Del Rosario at lorenzak ‘at’ stanford.edu.