Satire by Michelle Fu
Stanford frosh everywhere were startled and confused during NSO when the new Vice Provost for Undergraduate Education suddenly emerged from their electronic devices like the girl from “The Ring.”
“Of course I wasn’t expecting it at all,” Christopher Rausch ’24 said, grimacing as he recounted the memory. “I remember sitting there at first thinking ‘wow, this woman is sitting really close to the camera.’ Then she just kept inching closer and closer. It was only when I saw her hair falling out of my monitor that it hit me.”
Reactions to Church’s advent included fear, hysteria and incontinence. Multiple students said they rubbed their eyes in disbelief, believing that the Vice Provost’s appearance was a result of caffeine-induced hallucinations.
“Needless to say, I screamed,” Karina Preobrazhensky ’24 said. “It was just so unexpected. I was lying on my bed in my Moomin pajama pants, eating ice cream straight from the pint, when she showed up.”
After entering student homes, the Vice Provost continued to nonchalantly explain how Stanford was helping students succeed in their education “during this unprecedented time.” Once the programming was over, she pulled back through the screens as if nothing had happened, leaving students in a state of fear and bewilderment.
Neither Stanford nor Vice Provost Church gave any comment on their reasonings behind this egregious breach of privacy and social distancing protocol.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Michelle Fu at mifu67 ‘at’ stanford.edu.