ICE in danger of shutting down after receiving dismal ratings on Yelp

Satire by

ICE’s ability to stay open has been threatened by a barrage of negative reviews on Yelp, following the July 6 announcement of their new policy on international student visas.

The policy stated that international students in the US who did not have any in-person classes next semester would have to either leave the country or transfer to another school with in-person classes. Despite ultimately rescinding their policy changes, ICE could not quell the nationwide outrage among international and domestic college students alike, fueling an attack on ICE via the crowdsourced reviewing service Yelp.

One of the comments from a domestic college student reads, “ice is being hella sus these days. like, more sus than before, when they were locking people up in cages and stuff.”

Another from an international student says, “Is ICE trying to protect us from terrible dorm food or what? Maybe they should learn how to feed people in their detention centers first.”

In a press conference held shortly after the comments were published, ICE officials were looking flustered and frenzied. One adjusted his wrinkled tie and looked solemnly at reporters.

“We haven’t been doing so well after these comments, everyone. After we got a translator to interpret the Gen Z slang for us, we were shocked. These are personal attacks on our characters, you know,” he said, wiping a tear from his eye. “It’s like … hating us just for who we are. Horrible.”

One of the cooks from the Rio Grande Detention Center, who chose to go simply by Helen, was caught sobbing on camera at the press conference. 

“I thought my food was amazing, y’know,” she sniffled. “I just… I feel so personally attacked by these comments.”

While some agencies have been pulling funding from ICE after these attacks, others decided to make statements in support of the organization. The GEO Group, for instance, put a banner on their website: “We stand in support of victims of cyberbullying, and all of those who have experienced hate during this stressful time. We send all of our love to ICE right now. Please be mindful of the humans behind the screen and the people beneath the riot gear.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Natasha Lal at natashalal21 ‘at’ mittymonarch.com

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Natasha Lal is a high schooler writing as part of The Daily’s Summer Journalism Workshop.