Stanford fraternity member refuses to abide by social distancing protocols

“[We’ve] been deprived of everything” says fraternity member, who announces that the parties must go on

Satire by

I recently had the pleasure of catching up with William “Bobby” Johnson, a Stanford economics student who is currently an analyst under M&A Transactions at an investment bank. Bobby and I had a pleasant conversation at his extravagant property in  the Hamptons — owned by none other than Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, CEOs of Johnson Co. As I entered, I was greeted by Bobby’s imposing demeanor — and stacks of Chick-Fil-A sauces — which he unequivocally insists is a testimony to his parents’ traditional values.

After a few minutes of wandering around his custom closet decked with Canada Goose jackets, Patagonia vests, Vineyard Vines pocket tees, eight-inch shorts and Sperry boat shoes, we sat down inside his office. He then asked me, “who are you again?”

I reminded him that I was an interviewer for The Stanford Daily. His next words were practically incoherent… which would make sense considering how vividly he described his LSD trip the night before.

Anyways. I asked Bobby about his plans.

“Plans? I plan on partying with the bros,” Bobby said confidently (he’s a member of a fraternity on campus). I asked him why he was partying amid a pandemic.

Bobby launched into a fierce tirade: “What I think people who are not in the Greek System need to understand is that partying isn’t just something we do. It’s ingrained into our lives.”

I asked him why he couldn’t just… you know… stay at home? He made it clear that “many people these days are perfectly content with sitting on their computers all day playing video games, but after joining the Greek system, partying became a new norm” for him. 

Upon request for elaboration, Bobby clarified that “we need [parties] for our wellbeing. It helps us escape society. There have even been studies that show how necessary gatherings are for our wellbeing. The fact that it was stripped away from us, especially by something that barely affects us specifically, is very detrimental to our mental state. People are giving us so much crap for it, yet they don’t know what it’s like to be deprived of everything fun.”

Back at his diamond-encrusted door, Bobby and I bid our farewells. He said he wanted to take his Dad’s Mercedes for a ride and play lacrosse with “the boys”… and maybe belittle some minorities on his way there. As I looked back at Bobby, I finally realized how diverse the student outcomes at Stanford are. On one hand, we have students who want to change the world, and the other… well, Bobby.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Rohan Patel at parixity ‘at’

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