Satire by Patrick Monreal
Incoming freshman Boomer Grogan ’24 recently opened up to The Occasionally about his anxieties surrounding the start of his college experience. Among common concerns — like whether or not attending school will contribute to the ongoing spread of COVID-19, thereby exacerbating the global health crisis and endangering precious human lives — Grogan also worries that no one in college will share his love of NASCAR.
“I mean, do you think my to-scale model of the Sprint Cup is a little too much for a college dorm?” asked Grogan, polishing the oversized trophy. “Will my roommate find my collection of unopened Wheaties cereal boxes featuring Dale Earnhart Sr. slightly off-putting?”
Grogan’s concerns are not misplaced. An official Occasionally poll of five students concluded that 0 percent of the campus has a “mild to significant appreciation” or “slight to mild appreciation” of NASCAR. The polling data, however, do indicate that 20 percent of campus reported, “Oh, you mean like Lightning McQueen?”
Our data team is still working on error bounds for reported statistics, as I just polled the last five people I texted.
“I know college is supposed to be a life-changing experience, but I just can’t throw away my 6-by-8-foot poster of Richard Petty without also throwing away who I am,” Grogan explained. “I’m sure any girl I bring back to my room will understand why Richard Petty is staring down on us.”
Grogan still holds out hope that somewhere on this campus of 7,000 undergraduates, 8,000 graduate students, 1,300 terminal graduate students, 1,200 non-matriculated students and 2,500 postdoctoral scholars, he can find a community that will watch the Coke Zero Sugar 400 or Big Machine Hand Sanitizer 400 with him.
Don’t count on it, bud.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.