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Re-re-approaching Stanford: Update on fall quarter plans

Satire by

TO: Stanford Undergrads

Re-Approaching Stanford <[email protected]>

Subject: Updates on Fall

Dear Stanford Undergraduates,

We hope this email finds you well. As we have received many complaints on the vagueness of our July 22 email, we would like to share some specific plans we are considering to keep you safe:

Rotation dining 

To comply with social distancing measures, dining halls will not operate at full capacity. We are considering a rotation system where students will have dining hall access twice a week. However, the campus fruit trees will remain open, and no, we will not reduce the price of Meal Plans.

Outdoor tent classes 

Schools such as Rice University and UMass Amherst have ordered tents for outdoor classrooms. We have contacted Stroud and Sons, a Bay Area circus tent company that has offered us a 50% voucher for circus performances to make up for the loss of Spring 2020.

Regulating traffic in and out of Stanford

To regulate the flow of students going off-campus, the construction of boom gates has started on all roads that lead to Stanford to prevent violation of our forthcoming campus compact. The fine for unauthorized off-campus trips will be 20 Meal Plan Dollars.

Dorm community building

To help foster community-building, ResEd is planning a weekly Zoom event called “Hall Hunger Games.” The prize is two more dining hall slots that week. The losing halls will be kicked off campus to help mitigate the inevitable outbreaks that will occur from unsanctioned frosh parties.

See you soon!  

Susie Brubaker-Cole 

Vice Provost of Student Affairs

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Abby Shane at abigaillshane ‘at’ gmail.com

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Abigail Shane is a high schooler writing as part of The Daily’s Summer Journalism Workshop.