Satire by Jesse Perlmutter
In the wake of Stanford’s decision to discontinue 11 of its 36 varsity sports at the end of the 2020-21 academic year, athletes and coaches of some eliminated teams have pivoted focus and found new purpose.
Athletes said they will be continuing to transfer their skills if they aren’t able to transfer colleges in the fall.
The men’s rowing team put their oars together to launch a transportation service offering local residents and students an escape to Canada. Team Captain and service founder Mike McCarthy ’22 told The Daily he was so disappointed with Stanford’s decision, but is really excited about what his team is doing.
“I can say with confidence that these past few months have been pretty tough for everyone, and the discontinuation of our team has only made things worse for me and my teammates,” McCarthy said, “At first I wanted to just leave the country myself, but I knew the right thing was to use our team’s talent for good. We leave no man behind.”
The men’s wrestling team has also found a new purpose on campus by starting a cuddling club.
“My teammates and I were so distraught about wrestling being cancelled on top of everything going on in the world,” said wrestler and cuddle club member James Dozer ’21 What we all need is a big hug. Especially with the looming puppy shortage, us wrestlers found a way to fill the gap in the market.”
The Squash team has put their skills to new use and decided to tackle Palo Alto’s fly problem head on.
“We picked up some swatters, and everything else really came together from there,” said squash player Ellen Greenberg ’23, “With our fast swings, great hand eye coordination and crazy reflexes we ensure that no fly is getting past us.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Jesse Perlmutter at jesseperl24 ‘at’ gmail.com.