Satire by Brian Lee
Within 48 hours of reopening, Santa Clara county officials ordered all of the county’s barber shops to close indefinitely in an attempt to continue their progress on becoming an “80s county.”
“We have never had an entire county of people all having the same long and messy hairstyle, as access to barber shops lets people cut their hair way too often,” said Santa Clara county official Dave Cortese. “We have therefore decided to close all barber shops within the county to promote the adoption of ’80s hairstyles, making people feel extra stylish at home.”
An anonymous survey conducted on the county’s website showed that one hundred percent of the county’s barber shop’s owners approve the decision.
“Seeing our customers coming in and asking us to cut their hair even when it’s so short is driving us crazy,” said Bill Shave, a barber for Empire Cuts in Mountain View.
“It’s not just about making money. Money is just a sustainable means for us to create a positive impact on our community, and that’s exactly why we made this decision,” said Remington Cutell, owner of Twisted Scissors Palo Alto.
Although it is currently unsure when the county’s barber shops will reopen again, and how long that opening will last, Cutell expects us to wait for “pretty long.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Brian Lee at bl45983 ‘at’ pausd.us.