Satire by Viraj Mehta
Effective July 15, the Trump Administration ordered that hospitals no longer send coronavirus data to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). However, President Trump quickly assuaged the nation’s fears, stating that he had shifted the data to an undisclosed location as part of an “elaborate hide-and-seek game” meant to unite the nation.
CDC Director Robert Redfield expressed his concern, stating that “Trump may accidentally forget where he has hidden the data, posing a serious threat to public knowledge.”
However, Trump was quick to address Redfield.
“We have all the data — and let me tell you, it’s very nice data,” Trump said. “The best data. We have the best infection rate and the best mortality rate. Now, I want you guys to find the data.”
Additionally, White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany came to Trump’s defense, saying that “the President does know where the data is. He’s the most well-informed man on this planet.”
There have been many theories circling the Internet regarding possible locations for the hidden data. One popular notion is that the true reason he entered the White House bunker during the May 30 protests was to stash the data there, where only he would be able to access it. Another theory is that Trump has hidden the data in his tax returns, justifying his refusal to release them to investigators.
To address the speculation, The Daily’s data team conducted a nationwide poll, garnering thousands of opinions on potential locations and displaying them graphically above. As shown in the pie chart, the four most popular places were the White House bunker, Trump’s tax returns, the Kremlin and Tik Tok servers.
When questioned if any of these were the location of the data, Trump refused to answer.
Instead, he said, “Well, I hope everyone buys from Goya. They have very fine beans, the best beans. Never had beans quite like them.”
If the president continues to respond vaguely, there may be no end to the game of hide-and-seek that has so suddenly gripped the nation. However, even more serious than this is the notable disappearance of health experts at his Coronavirus press conferences. Some conspiracists theorize that Trump may have kidnapped not only the data, but also the entirety of the CDC.
Contact Viraj Mehta at viraj28m ‘at’ gmail.com.