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Researchers study sleep patterns, determine fireworks boost melatonin levels

Satire by

For the past few weeks, fireworks have steadily been detonating every night, seemingly out of nowhere.

Although these new bursts of fireworks appear to be detrimental, studies have actually shown that they are not disruptive to sleep patterns, but rather induce higher levels of melatonin in individuals.

Maia Earshurt, a scientist who is known for her study, “If You Have Ears, You Can Hear,” published in the journal “Anyone Is A Scientist If They Have A Lab Coat and Glasses” conducted research on infants to see if fireworks impacted their sleep schedule. 

“The fireworks keep me alert and in that sense, help me sleep more easily. They serve as a very calming and almost meditative sound that really eases me into sleep.” Earshurt said about her own experience, after asking for the question to be repeated due to hearing loss.

As for the babies, she said that “the babies were fine. Doing the experiment was like doing a Huggies commercial — all was peaceful.”

Sia Kneadsleep, a mother of five, said: “My children are typically afraid of everything. Especially loud noises. Oddly enough, my children are sleeping more calmly than ever before. What a phenomenon!” 

Kneadsleep continued: “I am sleeping better than ever too! The nightly light show reminds me of a concert, and it’s very peaceful to listen to. My ears ring all the way until I fall asleep. ”

However, the fireworks have not been met with open ears and eyes. Many residents across the country have filed complaints, but experts assert that there is nothing to worry about.

Governor Gavin Newsom contributed his thoughts at a recent press conference: “I sleep fine knowing COVID-19 is still on the rise, and so can you with these new fireworks. You just have to get used to it.” 

After pausing to release a lengthy yawn, he proceeded:  “It is just like how we wear a mask to prevent COVID. Wear a blindfold to prevent the fireworks from bothering you.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Elizabeth Wilson at elwilson ‘at’ s.sfusd.edu

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Elizabeth Wilson is a high schooler writing as part of The Daily's Summer Journalism Workshop.