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Gov. Newsom announces statewide evacuations, convincing people to stay home

“This couldn’t have come sooner,” remarked Newsom’s hairline.

Satire by

Gov. Gavin Newsom consulted epidemiologists, CDC officials and anarchists prior to ordering a statewide evacuation to combat the recent peak in coronavirus cases.  

Newsom is hoping, if nothing else, that residents will follow social-distancing guidelines out of spite. 

“Whatever you do, do not bunker down in your homes indefinitely,” Newsom said at a press conference. “We, the big government, would just hate that.”

Immediately following the announcement, residents began hosting living room sit-ins and blockading themselves in their homes to protest the order. 

“WE WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO THE WILL OF THE MAN,” wrote sit-in leader Katherine Perez on the condensation of her home’s living room window. Later in the day, when the condensation evaporated, Perez rewrote the message with spray-on sunscreen. 

Some residents used their fireplaces to send out smoke signals protesting the evacuation. 

“No sheep here,” said La Jolla resident Tyler Hasen via red and white puffs of smoke. Prior to the evacuation order, Hasen bar-hopped weekly. Now Hasen drinks beer on his porch.

“This is bigger than me or my needs. When the rights of your fellow Americans are at stake, you have to make sacrifices,” said Hasen. 

No man, woman, or child has been seen in a public space since Newsom’s announcement. 

“This couldn’t have come sooner,” remarked Newsom’s hairline.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Logan Little at loganparislittle ‘at’

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Logan Little is a high school student writing as part of The Daily’s Summer Journalism Workshop.