Satire by Vivek Tanna
In light of protests for racial justice erupting across the world, “good cops” have decided to come together and recognize that racism is a systemic problem in police departments. Their solution: Just don’t be racist!
“Oh for sure, I’m one of the good apples, and it’s totally fair to give me the responsibility of fixing the system,” said one cop. “I mean, I even think that murder is wrong! Why wouldn’t we reward that kind of thinking in a police department?” He added that he had mixed feelings about constantly being compared to a delicious fruit.
The proposed solution was criticized by President Donald Trump, who tweeted furiously with tiny thumbs that racism is over and even if it were still real, cops should double down and be extra racist just for good measure! Sad!
“I’ve heard the policing system was founded to affirm white supremacy and has held onto those common threads for centuries. I’ve also heard having more cops simply doesn’t make many communities safer,” commented Brad Chad White ’21. “But still, I’m sure there are good ones! Why aren’t we talking about them?”
White noted that he felt his opinion is particularly important because of a recent 23andMe test confirming he is of 3% African ancestry.
“Just give the cops another chance, and I’m sure they’ll work it out!” said one professor who refused to offer accommodations to her students as they tried to heal and mobilize their communities for real change.
“School is like the NFL. We should keep politics out —” she added before The Daily’s correspondent walked away, regretting having asked her opinion in the first place.
Another cop summed up his thoughts: “We’re currently half the city budget. I say double it! We definitely need more cops hanging out in middle schools and looking for lost dogs. Just make sure they’re good ones! ANY of your problems can be solved if we just send a good guy with a gun.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Vivek Tanna at vtanna ‘at’ stanford.edu.