Satire by Patrick Monreal
Like many, did you leave the May 28 meeting of the 52nd Faculty Senate shortly after its vote against divesting from fossil fuels? Well, if that’s the case, you probably missed its historic decision on the “Round Earth Resolution.”
“We the Faculty Senate of Leland Stanford Junior University officially believe that our planet’s geodesy is round and not flat,” read the proposed resolution. “We also recognize that this vote is non-binding, symbolic and meant to make a statement about what we believe.”
The resolution was brought before the Faculty Senate by the Associated Students of Stanford University (ASSU) and stated that “as a leading institution, it’s time for us to battle misinformation and stop empowering flat earthers and other science deniers.” After intense debate and deliberation, however, the Faculty Senate rejected the “Round Earth Resolution” by a vote of 49-1.
“Who are we to tell Stanford what to believe?” asked one professor, who may or may not have a Nobel Prize. “If the board believes the Earth is flat, then the Earth is flat. This isn’t our place.”
Several other professors believed that just saying the Earth was round didn’t go far enough; thus, logically, approving the resolution would be hypocritical.
“Look, when we go for runs, do we take into account the curvature of the Earth?” asked a mechanical engineering professor. “I didn’t think so. We can’t preach that the Earth is round when we don’t act like it.”
The most surprising group of faculty who pushed back against the resolution were Stanford Earth researchers, who were concerned that their funding sources would be jeopardized.
“Trust me, I’m very passionate about the roundness of the Earth,” claimed one Stanford Earth professor. “But there is lots of good research funded by well-meaning science deniers, which justifies compromising our principles.”
Maybe they have a point. I haven’t been to space — have you?
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.