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FDA approves phrase ‘Zoom University’ as new emetic

After encountering the phrase on countless Instagram bios, researchers confirmed that the phrase was overused enough to reliably induce vomiting.

Satire by

The FDA recently approved the use of the phrase “Zoom University” as a new low-cost emetic. Researchers’ interest in this phrase was sparked after the recent surge in its use among college students, particularly on Instagram and Tinder bios. 

“It’s true, the phrase is catchy and gets the point across,” said the lead researcher of one recent trial. “However, its observed use skyrocketed so quickly that its effect has turned around markedly.”

Hearing the phrase is now virtually guaranteed to induce nausea to the point of emesis.

“It just seemed like the right thing to do,” explained Percil Lavrange-Cole ’22, who was one of the first to add the phrase to her Instagram bio in March. “It’s brief but hints at my fun and quirky side. Besides, anyone with a brain can read that little tree emoji and figure out what my actual diploma is gonna say.” 

The FDA approval came much to the distress of Zoom University administrator Judy Jetson.

“Mark my words, you will pay for this, darned snowflake FDA!” she said before muting herself, the Zoom University equivalent of a mic drop.

The new emetic is expected to be effective and in use by June. In a few years, you can expect the FDA to approve the generic version, Snapchat University.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Vivek Tanna at vtanna ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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