Satire by Kirsten Mettler
Jack Richard ’23 upset his mother Amy with his Mother’s Day gesture this year. Amy came forward, telling The Daily that Jack’s Mother’s Day “gift” to her was a round of beer pong together.
“I woke up, feeling blessed to spend Mother’s Day with my loving family during such a scary time,” Amy said. “I walked downstairs, excited for a nice breakfast, or at least a card, but Jack was setting up a beer pong game, using my alcohol. He called me ‘bro.’”
Amy and Jack then fought over the gesture. Amy claimed that it was inappropriate and did not even make sense: “How many moms want to play beer pong at 9 a.m. on a Sunday with their underage son?”
Jack, who has been coping with the postponement of rush at Stanford due to COVID-19, was upset by his mother’s negative reaction.
“We all have our passions,” Jack told The Daily. “My sister likes microbiology. My dad loves to paint. I worship beer pong. I was just trying to share my passion with my mother. Plus, the local liquor store didn’t accept my fake, so I needed her booze.”
Jack reported that he put his best effort into the gift, even using his favorite SOLO cups to set up the game.
“I would have let her win,” Jack said. “That’s like a big sacrifice on my part. I never lose at beer pong. I’d be throwing away my winning streak.”
Since their initial argument, Jack has made up with his mother, though she still doesn’t love the idea of him rushing a fraternity. Jack has other ideas.
“Are you kidding me? I can’t believe I’m missing rush right now,” Jack lamented. “I’m gonna rush the heck out of those frats next year.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Kirsten Mettler at kmettler ‘at’ stanford.edu.