Alarming UN report on biodiversity loss admits we probably don’t need hagfish anyway

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Warning that the rate of species extinction is accelerating at an unprecedented pace, the United Nations released an alarming intergovernmental report on Friday admitting that, despite this rapid decline in biodiversity, we probably don’t need hagfish anyways.

“This man-made ‘sixth extinction’ will have disturbing ramifications across the entire planet because all species, except for the hagfish, are deeply interconnected and play vital roles in our environment,” wrote the chairman of the landmark study Sir Robert Watson, who urged immediate action but also included a caveat that human civilization will most likely not suffer any negative side effects of a hagfish-free world.

“Despite the fact that our economy and food security are highly dependent upon the health of global ecosystems, we could not find any scenario in which a single person’s quality of life decreased if 100% of the hagfish on Earth died. In fact, during simulations in which we killed off all these eel-shaped slime-producing creatures and kept everything else, most people’s standard of living significantly increased.”

The report concluded by stating scientists were still unsure how hagfish even exist.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

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Prateek, a former editor-in-chief of Brown University’s satirical newspaper (The Brown Noser), signed with the Stanford Daily’s satire section in free agency. He also had one glorious month-long stint contributing headlines to The Onion, none of which were published. Feel free to send him article suggestions and harsh criticism at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu. His favorite hobby is getting an M.S. in Civil and Environmental Engineering (Class of 2021), focusing on sustainable energy systems. When he’s not satirizing, he’s fervently searching for whoever had the nerve to claim the “pjoshi1” email username.