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7 reasons Patrick Monreal should be elected God-King of The Stanford Daily Volume 258

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Note: Patrick Monreal founded and gallantly led The Stanford Daily’s satire section in Volume 257 and is now running for editor-in-chief.

In the 1991 Stambovsky vs. Ackley case, the Judiciary of New York ruled that if a seller promoted his or her home as being haunted (to Reader’s Digest, local newspapers and a haunted house tour), the courts would hold him or her to that belief. Because a poltergeist in one’s home is a material defect that cannot be detected by the most meticulous inspection, the plaintiff hadn’t a ghost of a chance to discover its ghoulish condition and was therefore put in the position of a most unnatural bargain.

The first 10 digits of the square root of pi round to 1.772453851.

The light spots you see when you close your eyes are phosphenes. The word comes from the Greek words phos (light) and phainein (to show). They can be stimulated mechanically (by pressure or rubbing your eyes), electrically or magnetically, and sometimes with sound. Prolonged exposure to darkness (or meditation or truck driving or drugs) creates an amplified phenomenon called prisoner’s cinema, where the lights sometimes take the shapes of human or other figures.

Poet Edna St. Vincent Millay, who originated the phrase “burn the candle at both ends,” was bisexual. Her Steepletop cabin had a springfed pool and an outdoor bar where swimming in the nude was required. Whoever lost a match in her clay tennis court would have to shed their pants.

Vasili Arkhipov, a Soviet naval officer, single-handedly prevented nuclear World War III during the Cuban missile crisis. When U.S. Navy ships surrounded his submarine and started dropping depth charges (a common deterrence tactic), the sub’s captain assumed the two countries had declared all-out war and wanted to launch his nuclear torpedoes. Vasili, who was second in command, had to give his consent, which he didn’t, and the sub surfaced without starting doomsday.

Lavender comes from the Latin lavare, which means “to wash.” It possesses strong antibacterial qualities that have been utilized since roman times. In the 19th century, lavender was used to mask unpleasant smells, and Victorian ladies were immediately suspicious of a room smelling of lavender. Today, lavender is used in many space-clearing and magic rituals. It also helps to soothe troubled nerves and aids sleep.

The Fool card in the Tarot deck is a young man in gorgeous vestments pausing at the brink of a precipice among the great heights of the world. He surveys the blue distance before him — its expanse of sky rather than the prospect below. His act of eager walking is still indicated; his dog is still bounding. The edge which opens on the depth has no terror. His countenance is full of intelligence and expectant dream. In one hand he has a rose, and in the other a costly wand, from which depends on his right shoulder a wallet curiously embroidered. He is the spirit in search of experience, a prince of the other world on his travels through this one —all amid the morning glory, in the keen air.

These facts are true and cannot be disputed.

Contact Nestor Walters at waltersx ‘at’ stanford.edu for a personal tarot reading.

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Nestor was born in Bangladesh and raised mostly in Greece. When he was nineteen he moved to the United States to join the Navy, where he served for ten years. He is now a junior at Stanford University, where he is rumored to be the only person in the math department with cut-off t-shirt sleeves. He also dabbles in creative writing.
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