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Admin declares roundabouts ‘too complicated,’ plans to install stoplights instead

Satire by

Due to the recent University-wide campus closure, Stanford has decided to take advantage of the opportunity to improve current infrastructure, such as our various campus roundabouts. Although roundabouts are very simple (yield left, proceed right), Stanford students have found them difficult to master, attracting the attention of the administration.

“When installing roundabouts, we thought they would reduce collision risk, but students haven’t been able to figure them out,” said Vice Provost for Student Affairs Susie Brubaker-Cole, citing the number of students who go the wrong direction at the numerous campus roundabouts. “The administration thinks it would greatly reduce the risk posed to both students and pedestrians if a timed stoplight was placed at every heavily-trafficked intersection. This would make it visually simpler, and straightforward enough that even the average frosh could navigate it.”

This announcement has not been met with overwhelming satisfaction from the student body. 

“This is pretty disappointing,” said a Stanford junior, who requested to remain unnamed. “If they install stoplights, I won’t feel the rush I get from going the wrong way around the roundabouts. Almost crashing into people gets me so much attention. I just want to feel alive.”

Despite any backlash, many students who frequently walk to class have expressed excitement at the prospect of stoplights. 

“Finally, I won’t get hit five times while crossing the Circle of Death every day at 2:50 p.m.,” said Keith Meyer ’22. “Dodging bikes has become one of my top skills.”

The facts, however, are on the University’s side. Stanford’s GSB conducted a study that found that stoplights would prevent four minor injuries per year.

“This is a worthwhile investment,” said Provost Persis Drell. “Skinned knees are no joke.”

Still, only time will tell whether these new stop lights will truly make campus travel safer. Just remember to push the button every time you bike up to an intersection, and you’ll be fine.

(Annie Franklin ‘23 has started a petition to prevent the installation of stoplights, which can be found here.)

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Dagny Carlsson at dagny ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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Dagny Carlsson will never report real news. A native of Houston, Texas, she is pursuing a major in Symbolic Systems. Contact her at dagny ‘at’ Stanford.edu.
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