Satire by Tanya Watarastaporn
Despite Stanford’s prestige in dominating technological innovation, its reputation has been stained by numerous complaints of inefficiency and security concerns in using Duo Mobile two-factor authentication to log into Axess. Inspired by recent ground-breaking research in perfecting smart toilets, University IT (UIT) will commit to creating the best user experience by replacing two-step authentication with anal print ID by 2021.
“Every anal print is unique and beautiful in its own way,” explained Sanjiv Gambhir, professor and chair of radiology.
Gambhir is the mastermind behind the smart toilet research team responsible for popularizing anal print among UIT leadership looking for alternatives to Duo Mobile. His project is sending Stanford’s reputation for quality research literally down the toilet.
“We are well aware of the excessive time gone to waste daily as a result of the entire authentication process, as well as the concerns of accounts being hacked even with the whole two-factor steps,” explained Chief Information Officer Steve Gallagher. “And so we figured, why not anal print? There’s no way hackers could possibly replicate your anal print ID, provided your nudes haven’t already leaked beforehand,” he added.
Attempting to address security issues, some have also suggested a three- or four-factor authentication, at the cost of even greater time wasted. Given these alternatives or the option to keep the current two-step process, UIT staff voted unanimously on anal print authentication.
“It’s fast, easy and minimally messy,” remarked Gallagher.
Despite the benefits, some students have raised concerns about the invasiveness of this change.
“When I applied, I didn’t think I would need to have my phone scan my anus every time I needed to check grades or something,” said concerned incoming Stanford student Larc Messier-Tavigne ’24. “I’m a little uncomfortable with Stanford knowing EVERY part of me.”
Nonetheless, UIT will move forward with current plans, remaining optimistic about the prospective success of anal print due to rising #FreeTheAnus campaigns supporting the uncensored publicity and unique beauty of the human anus.
In the spirit of progressivism, Stanford claims high hopes in expanding anal print to other technical aspects of the University not yet disclosed to the public.
UIT has declined to comment on rumors that Greek houses are petitioning for anal print to replace key card access in dorms to maintain a need for a high sense of exclusivity from other Stanford students.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Tanya Watarastaporn at tanyawat ‘at’ stanford.edu.