Senate’s new coronavirus relief bill provides financial assistance on every single roll of hoarded toilet paper

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Unveiling “phase 4” of a massive congressional COVID-19 stimulus package this week, Senate Republicans announced plans for sweeping discounts on every single roll of 1-ply toilet paper that has been hoarded.

“Americans across the country are hurting right now, and in response to the resulting economic downturn, we are pleased to provide financial assistance for the extra rolls of toilet paper that consumers are forced to panic-buy in this time of crisis,” proclaimed Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), who emphasized that major big-box retailers — such as Target, Walmart and Costco — will be covered by this relief bill, which also mandates a universal “buy two, get one free” deal for the last remnants of hand sanitizer and disinfectant wipes in the supply chain.

“This bold legislation even covers our valuable frontline healthcare workers, allowing them free reign to raid neighboring hospitals for vital equipment such as ventilators and N95 respirators,” added McConnell, stressing that unregulated free-market looting is the fastest and cheapest way to allocate resources to where they are most needed. “Any direct federal intervention would be akin to a radical nationalization of our medical system.”

McConnell ended the press conference by reassuring staunch fiscal conservatives in his caucus, explaining that the $100 billion price tag would be covered by cuts to Medicare and unemployment benefits.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

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Prateek, a former editor-in-chief of Brown University’s satirical newspaper (The Brown Noser), signed with the Stanford Daily’s satire section in free agency. He also had one glorious month-long stint contributing headlines to The Onion, none of which were published. Feel free to send him article suggestions and harsh criticism at pjoshi2 ‘at’ His favorite hobby is getting an M.S. in Civil and Environmental Engineering (Class of 2021), focusing on sustainable energy systems. When he’s not satirizing, he’s fervently searching for whoever had the nerve to claim the “pjoshi1” email username.