“That self-serving, UNAMERICAN,” wrote my aunt on Facebook. “This is what happens when people can’t keep their tongues in their beaks.”
My aunt was, of course, reacting to the news that rocked the nation this morning — the beloved Mr. Owl tested positive for COVID-19. Even more unsettling, Tootsie Roll Industries alerted the nation that he had been licking every lollipop in production since 1970.
“We regret the actions of our mascot,” said Tootsie Roll Industries spokesperson Candy Nottingdale. “We do not believe at this time that we will be issuing a recall. We at Tootsie Roll Industries are willing to die for the economy. Are you?”
According to Mr. Owl’s veterinarian, he began noticing symptoms last week. As someone who had been munching on lollipops daily, the loss of appetite was most alarming. Loved and admired by ornithologists and people who collect vintage marketing memorabilia everywhere, a handful of people are probably concerned.
Tootsie Roll Industries will announce a new advertisement campaign later today, framing Tootsie Pops as a way to battle coronavirus.
“You know how vaccines work, right?” remarked Nottingdale. “They give you a little of the virus so that you build resistance, I think. Eating a Tootsie Pop is basically doing the same thing now. Just pretend it’s a sweet, candy-coated vaccine.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.