Satire by Om Jahagirdar
Every year, thousands of students pretending to have heard of the headliner gather at Frost Amphitheatre for the Frost Music Festival. This year however, the Stanford Concert Network (SCN) was forced to cancel headliner Mac DeMarco after a mix-up, choosing to replace DeMarco with the Arrillaga late-night DJ, lil Treecko.
“We swear we thought it was Mac Miller,” said a SCN member who chose to remain anonymous. “We sincerely apologize for this mistake.”
“I always knew that DJ-ing at Arrillaga would be my big break!” exclaimed Treecko. “Frost caters to the exact same demographic I perform for at late-night: red-eyed college kids that are very tired, incredibly high or both!”
In addition to lil Treecko, a new Stanford acapella group, The Chads, will also be making their Frost debut. Made up of frat bros rejected from the Mendicants, they don their signature garb of khaki shorts with pink tank tops under black hoodies. They’ll be performing their signature cover of “Mr. Brightside,” mumbling all of the lyrics except for the chorus, which they will shout obnoxiously.
Several smaller artists will also be performing. A laptop on YouTube autoplay — popular in Green Library with those who fall asleep at their laptop — will be playing “lofi hip hop radio — beats to relax/study to.” A shopping cart full of rubber chickens will be performing their one-hit wonder, “Duck Army,” for the first time since the death of Vine. Alongside the Marías, barbershop quartet, “The Marios,” made up of soccer players Mario Balloteli, Mario Gotze, Mario Gomez and Mario Mandzukic will be performing selections from Mario Kart Wii.
Get ready to see these F-listers in what will almost certainly be pouring rain this May 16!
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Om Jahagirdar at ojahagir ‘at’ stanford.edu.