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After Elam’s departure, University opts to cancel all forms of creativity

Satire by

In response to the departure of Vice Provost for Undergraduate Education Harry Elam, Stanford will be “cancelling all on-campus creativity” effective fall 2020, President Marc Tessier-Lavigne announced on Friday.

“Elam was a strong proponent of the arts here at Stanford,” Tessier-Lavigne said in a recent press release, “so it’s only fair that we honor his departure by butchering the programs he helped create.” 

Students are advised to update their four-year plans to remove any ITALIC, TAPS, arts, writing, music and dance classes, as they will no longer be offered next year. Math and computer science classes will be suspended until the board reaches a decision on whether or not “problem-solving” is too creative a skill.

In a statement released yesterday, Stanford Capital Planning and Space Management reported the imminent demolition of dozens of Stanford landmarks, most notably including Frost Amphitheatre, the d.school and every mosaic window in Memorial Church. Students should bid farewell to their favorite statues around campus since the removal of art installations and any attractive shrubbery will commence on March 1.

Stanford’s administration acknowledged that this transition may be confusing to many students. Provost Persis Drell will be hosting a town hall session next week where students can ask about specifics. For example, what happens when class removals make certain majors impossible to complete.

“We’re still working out the details,” Drell said with a chuckle. “I guess you could say we had to get creative.”

Students currently pursuing a degree starting with a vowel will be switched into economics, and those in majors starting with a consonant will be automatically declared majors in management science and engineering.

To send Elam off to Occidental College with a bang, a farewell ceremony is being planned for May. The event will feature dance performances from Alliance, Mua Lac Hong and Swingtime, as well as acapella by Counterpoint and the Mendicants. Students are encouraged to bring goodbye presents, both for Elam and for their friends in any of the performing groups, as all will be asked not to return to Stanford next year.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Anna Mistele at amistele ‘at’ stanford.edu.