‘Unbecoming’ student serves professor cease and desist after failed midterm

Student definitely NOT an ASSU Senator

Satire by and

After taking the first midterm of the quarter for ETHICSOC 173: Introduction to Feminist Philosophy, an “unbecoming” male student, who is definitely NOT an ASSU Senator, reportedly attempted to have his failing grade rescinded by sending a cease and desist letter to his professor. The letter, which claims that the failing grade constitutes defamation, insisted it be raised to “at least 69 percent — or a D+” per Stanford’s grade guidelines.

The “unbecoming” student will remain nameless as his prolific and litigious nature has, quite frankly, frightened those of us at The Occasionally into complacence. Our editor, for instance, has fled to Mexico and grown a mustache.

“No, of course I’m not worried,” responded Professor Janet Jerpiss, while quickly closing out of multiple LegalZoom tabs. “According to the first-year law student I asked, there’s no way this will hold up in court.” 

His classmates complained about his behavior in class prior to the incident, claiming “he kept saying that there’s a reason it’s called his-story and not her-story,” and “asking when male voices would get to be heard.”

For the midterm, Professor Lerpiss assigned each student a historically significant feminist, and asked them to write a paper on that person’s contributions to feminist philosphy. The disgraced senator — uh, I mean student — instead turned in “what was, essentially, just a biography of Vin Diesel.”

The cease and desist letter received by the professor was served by Man Moth, a lawyer recommended by Save Our Students, an organization “dedicated to protecting the images of male college students who really are trying their best.” Moth is now attending classes with the senator to ensure his legal rights are enforced going forward.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu and Benjamin Midler at bmidler ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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Lana Tleimat '23 is Volume 258's Editor of Satire. She is from Columbus, Ohio, and isn't really studying anything. Contact her at ltleimat 'at' stanford.edu.
A chronic anachronism, Ben enjoys well-punctuated texts and oatmeal cookies. He's also majoring in psychology, so he knows how many fingers you're thinking of holding up. Spam him at bmidler 'at' stanford.edu