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Insecure horse feels like he doesn’t deserve spot in Stanford stable

Satire by

Despite being one of only four horses admitted to Stanford’s historic Red Barn Equestrian Center this year out of a highly competitive applicant pool of 85 talented thoroughbreds from across the world, Jigsaw has reported feeling like he doesn’t deserve his coveted spot on the renowned team. According to Jigsaw, an insecure five-year-old sturdy stallion who was trained in the prestigious Calumet Farm on the lush countryside of Kentucky when he was a mere three-year-old colt, another more deserving steed should probably take his place in the Stanford Athletics department.  

“It’s pretty intimidating to gallop around this country club-esque campus when you know these are hallowed fields steeped in generations of equine achievement,” explained Jigsaw, who sheepishly trots about the arena before Jumping practice despite having been aggressively recruited by various professional riders. “I mean, Bo’s dad was a neck shy at the Belmont Stakes from winning the Triple Crown and his mom was on the Olympic Dressage team twice. How do I compete in the Intercollegiate Horse Show Association with a carefully selected breeding combination like that?”  

Jigsaw also expressed concern that the other horses looked like they were excelling at all aspects of hoofed mammal life. “Val seems like she really has her performances together, and her saddle is always perfectly strapped on even as she elegantly gallivants about the stable,” said Jigsaw, anxiously adjusting his bridle and proclaiming that the Equestrian coaching staff must have made an admissions mistake. “Meanwhile, I’m still not sure how to balance grooming sessions with competition travel. I don’t even know the difference between the Walk Trot and the Walk Jog event yet!”  

At press time, Jigsaw was seen nervously nibbling hay as Casper, a Holsteiner gelding who transferred to Stanford several years ago after wins at the Menlo Charity Horse Show, confidently strutted past the barn.  

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Contact Prateek Joshi at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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Prateek, a former editor-in-chief of Brown University’s satirical newspaper (The Brown Noser), signed with the Stanford Daily’s satire section in free agency. Feel free to send him article suggestions and harsh criticism at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu. When he’s not satirizing, he’s fervently searching for whoever had the nerve to claim the “pjoshi1” email username.