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Dorm demons stole my bike

Satire by

During winter break (when all the dorms close for no apparent reason other than being inconvenient), students are encouraged to leave their bikes in their rooms to prevent them from being stolen. So, being the gullible frosh that I am, I decided to do just that — only to learn that I really shouldn’t be trusting people who think that The Draw is a good system for housing.

I put my bike away, locked up my room and entered break mode. My bike was out of sight, out of mind. I was too busy plotting against The Flipside anyways to worry about it. After all, it is not like the room inspectors were going to impound my bike for being too bike-y.

When I got back, everything seemed fine — until I realized that my bike was gone that is. In its place was a note: “We are sorry, but it seems like your bike ran away after it was possessed by the dorm demons. Signed Sincerely, R&DE Staff.”

This was news to me, as I am only aware of Jeff, the friendly dorm goblin that treats everyone as if they were a squirrel. Seriously, he feeds us nuts, pets us on the head and then eventually crawls under someone’s bed to sleep. Anyway, my stellar Stanford Daily journalism skills quickly kicked in, and I ended up investigating the matter more closely.

After a few emails back and forth, R&DE explained that the room inspectors were about to enter my room when my bike, possessed by demons, flung itself through the door and was sucked into a hole — never to be seen again.

Feeling mildly infuriated, I sought a fix for this pickle of a situation. After a few consultations, I decided to submit a FixIt request for my stolen bike. I will not rest until I can get an exact replica of my bike. I will get my bike replacement, even if it means that I have to take this up to the boss man himself, Daddy Marc.

For now, please sign my petition and help restore justice to this campus.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Ruslan AlJabari at rjabari ‘at’ stanford.edu.